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Promise the “Try”

(From Jan. 23rd)

I met my children for the very first time today.

I have seen their pictures, watched the videos, but today, I met them. It is surreal to say the least.

I am now a mama torn between her children on two continents. Our bio-kids are in excellent hands but they are not with us.  To a homeschooling mama, who has been with her bios since they were born, that is a lot to ask!  We had to leave them to fly 4000 miles to meet their brothers and sister.  I know what’s going to happen.  I’m going to fall in love with these children and have to leave them to go back to the states so we can finish the process. I will leave my heart in Stara Zagora, Bulgaria.

I appreciate the mom’s who have gone before me and have told me what to expect. How it may feel or not feel. Trying to describe it to another human being is impossible. This must be walked out on it’s own experience. The hesitant hope you develop for these little ones. The knowledge that you can not promise the future but you can promise the try.  The blind faith that comes when God puts two doors in front of you. One is large and comfortable. It allows you to bring all of your insecurities, fears, complacency. The other is smaller, requires you to get rid of the extras.  Fear will not fit through this door. Doubt is too big. The only way to fit is to trust God to get you through it.

So now that we have stepped through the small door, we are acutely aware of the lives that will never be the same.  Our life before had a rhythm that flowed the way our family has designed it…from the beginning.

TODAY was the beginning for these.

Now what?

The flow is disrupted forever.

The choice is there to turn and leave. Bulgaria will ask us!

I can’t.

These are my children.

The confident peace maker…

the sassy princess…

and the turtle puzzle.

They know we are here. We have disrupted their normal just as much.

To return for them is to give them a chance. A choice.  A voice